More Updates!

So I am still alive. For the last few weeks I was basically on the bed doing everything there (activities include only the following: having breakfasts, lunch, dinners, reading books and watching TV). I only got up to PP (pee and poop) and to take very brief showers.

I was so tried that I did not even feel like going to the terrace which is next to my room. I did not go to my office for straight 7 working days (with the weekends total 11 days) and really did not care about finding out whether I still had my job or not!

But when I came back to work I was thrilled to find out not only that I had my job but also the pile of work that I have abandoned weeks ago was still there…I was hoping someone else would do them for me but I guess it’s a cruel world!

It’s a shame that I could not come to blogsphere during a long time. Actually the constant puking did not leave me with any energy to do anything. I have a lot of catching up to do and from now on I wish to be regular.

Something really wonderful happened at my work on Monday. We have a consultant working with us regarding the process development of our department. Her name is Randi and she is from Norway.

I had a meeting with Randi on Sunday which I was not able to attend. So on Monday I went to reschedule that meeting. While I was coming back from her room suddenly she asked, ‘Do you have children?’

‘No.’

‘Is one coming?’

I haven’t told anyone at work except my supervisor and his boss but it’s not that I am denying it – it’s just that I am waiting for people to ask me, I don’t want to say it like – “oh there’s news – I am pregnant!”

I answered to Randi that ‘yes you are right.’

She is around 60 years of age and has grand children so I think she just guessed. Then she asked me a lot of questions and after I told her about the last miscarriage she said, ‘I think you should be on leave for at least 4 weeks from now.’

I said my doctor did not tell me anything about taking rest. She gave me a ‘what-do-the-doctors-of-this country-know’ look and said she will check with her doctor in Norway but she is sure that I should be taking a lot of rest now and must not be at work – work is very stressful! (I know I know – Lots of flowers and sandal wood powder on Randi’s face!)

Then she asked me to talk to my supervisor immediately about the leave and I just loved the part ‘if he says anything like there’s problem ask him to talk to me.’  

I did talk to my supervisor and there was no problem – since around this time of the year we really don’t have too heavy work load. But I asked for 2 weeks leave because hopefully in two weeks I will be passed 12 weeks and that was around the time when I found out about our last loss.

So for the next two weeks I hope to stay on bed as much as possible and enjoy my life watching movies and reading books and of course catching up with many blogs.

Update

I am terribly ill. I have tremendous gas; severe nausea and not being able keep any food inside my tummy for longer. I also have loose motion. I am so sick that I am not even going to work. I am spending most of the day on the bed.

So I gave up yesterday and decided to see the doctor today. But before that I figured I should do an u/s just to know for the first time what’s going on inside me so I went to have one yesterday——

 

And while I was shedding tears with fear during the exam – the fabulous u/s technician told me, ‘why are you so worried – everything is fine and you have a baby inside you.’

The first thing I asked was, ‘does it have a heart beat?’

And the lovely lady said, ‘of course it does!’

The baby measured 8w4d and it’s little heart is beating away at 178bpm (is it too fast?)

I could not be happier. I know I have been there before and things did not work out later. But that does not mean it will repeat again. I will post more when I feel better.

Still hanging in there - barely

Doing better than before. No more diarrhea but feeling like puking every now and then.

Should be 7w5d today according to my LMP. Still around 15 days left till I am supposed to have an u/s as per my doctor’s recommendation.

The waiting is becoming impossible day by day and I wonder when I will simply lose it and have an u/s by myself and end all suspense!

I am ready to do anything…just give me some assurance

I am very sick for the last few days. I think finally the symptoms are hitting me but now I do not really like it because most of the times I am assuming some of the symptoms as bad signs.

I am having diarrhea from last night – it is not very serious but I am also having acidity with mild cramps. I don’t understand one thing – like when someone is pregnant and is vomiting or has nausea; it can not be without any feelings in the tummy? I have mild cramps mostly resembling that of serious acidity – I am a little scared but I have left it in the hands of God so I am trying not worry. Whatever he has planned for me will happen – whether I worry or not worry.

I called my doctor yesterday and got to talk to a duty doctor. She said it was normal and if I was very scared or feeling very ill I could come and get admitted in the hospital. But surely I was not feeling as if the cramps were killing me. I feel very sick but I guess it’s just the way pregnant women feel.

Since my symptoms are pretty obvious (like inability to eat a lot of things, nausea, getting smell in everything), I decided to give my MIL a little hint. I told her I might have conceived but it’s still too early to test. She thinks it takes at least three weeks after you miss your period to get a positive test. I said, “Oh really? Then I should wait at least until the end of this month to find out.” I did not feel too good about lying to her but I had no other choice.

She suggested I should get a holy amulet from the holy people (like priest) from a nearby shrine. Her sister who lives nearby was here for a visit and she said she will give me a special amulet when I conceive next time(!). The amulet will have a piece of fishing net (iron to drive away all bad air), a piece of cow’s bone (to keep me protected from evil spirit) and some other weird stuff. This amulet will surely let me have an uneventful healthy pregnancy!

I or my parents have never believed in these things but now I want to get it. The slightest hope that I can get from anywhere, I really don’t want to miss it – and especially when I am having cramps!

Just hanging in there

Nothing much is going on in my life. Trying my best to not to think about the pregnancy (I see I have gathered the guts to write the actual P word), and move on with a normal life. But easy said than done!

I am nervous every moment…getting alert on every little discomfort that I have and even on the lack of any discomfort sometimes. Although I am not posting but I am reading a lot of other blogs. I am really upset for Newt from Dear Gherkin. I don’t know why God does this – I know there is a right reason which we are not able to figure out most of the times but can he not spare us from these sorts of pains?

I don’t have clue what is happening inside me – also I am not too eager to find it out either. I just want to wait until around the end of this month but waiting has become really tough.

Where did I put my remote - I want to fast forward few days of my life!

So here I am – I have a urine test report to prove I am pregnant but my mind does not really make me feel so pregnant. I am in denial and worrying every moment its not going to last too long. I think it’s a state which is called half pregnant!

As CJ says, my ‘processor’ never stops, even when I am sleeping it is not ‘shut down’ - it is in a ‘stand by’ mode. He says when it’s really quiet and if someone puts his ear beside my head, he is sure to hear the humming sound coming out of there (my processor is in my head according to CJ). Whatever he says to tease me but I know that I am constantly thinking; I guess worrying would be a better word.

I am dying to know about what is happening inside me right now. I can just go to a lab anytime and get an u/s done – it is very cheap here and does not need and doctor’s prescription. If everything looked fine I could go every week and get the peace of my mind. But I am scared what if everything is not right. Since it is still early I know it would remain inconclusive and I would need to check again after weeks and that would be the worst days of my life. So may be its better I don’t try to find out what’s happening inside me. My scheduled u/s is going to be a little over nine weeks, so if nothing goes wrong before then I shall try not to take any u/s by my own.

I am so scared that I am trying not to grow any kind of attachment with Fifi. It was decided by us when we started TTC that this time we would call it Fifi instead of baby so that we don’t feel too attached initailly. We were wrong – calling it Fifi or baby or whatever….how can we hide from our feelings.   

Anyway I got my mobile set – Yeayyyyyyy! CJ got me a new Nokia E51 as he promised and it is a beauty. The camera is only 2 mega pixel but I don’t care since I can browse with it as much as I want. I wish I could post a photo of my ‘knocked up’ gift but I don’t have the camera with me right now. I am posting two pictures that were taken with the new phone.

These are the bangles I brought from India last December. Yes these are my hands but they look fatter in the picture – must be something wrong with the phone’s camera J.

Counting days…

I want to thank everyone who reads my blog. I started this blog because I needed a place to vent and talk about having babies continuously. In my real life I need to be a sane girl who is not much bothered about all these; she is very strong, very practical and takes life very easy. I figured why I did not want to be myself about this in realty – I can’t take people pitying me and moreover deep inside my mind I know at the end of the day it is going to be treated as a failure of mine.

In our society it does not matter how educated or qualified a woman is but she is a big failure if she is not capable of having children. The worst part is no matter whatever the problem is (lets say the husband has zero sperm count), some how it becomes the girl’s fault. The husband and the husband’s family can’t help wondering, ‘well if it was some other capable woman, we definitely could have a baby’.

Things are a little different among the comparatively educated or broad minded people. They at least try to understand what the problem is but there are always neighbors or relatives who would make a big deal out of this. The point is, a couple can stay childless here but that takes a lot of courage and strength.  

So we are not sharing with anyone yet that there is a ‘new possibility’. For me getting a positive and having a baby are two different things and I am scared every moment that something will go wrong. So right now I am living in my blog, this has become my actual life where I got a positive PT and counting each day eagerly. Thanks again to those who are reading or commenting, this place seems more real!

Anyway I went to the doctor yesterday. I will call him Dr. TAC from now. I have to explain how it works for this special guy. I counted 78 chairs in the waiting room and there were many people who were waiting on their feet. If each patient came with minimum one companion that means there were at least 40 patients. He sees patients from evening until midnight.

Dr. TAC is like a wizard in our country. He is old and very experienced. I personally know at least 5 people who were able to have healthy babies after he saw them. So people come from allover the country to get treatments him.

In the capital city we do have some modernized well equipped hospitals but when these do not work, people tend to see someone more experienced who gives them hope. I was satisfied with the doctor and hospital I used to go when I was pregnant last time but I wanted to see Dr. TAC after the miscarriage.

So all my questions went down the drain because Dr. TAC saw me for 2 minutes in total. He gave me progesterone supplements, vitamin B and folic acid. I wanted to ask him about baby aspirin but was too scared to ask. I asked him about taking rest (that’s another old wives’ tale here – absolute rest is required during first three months if you want a healthy baby!), I was glad that he said it was not necessary.

Dr. TAC asked me to see him again after one month with u/s report done around that time. So that leaves me with only one worry now, ‘will it last that long?’

I wish I could stop thinking about it

I can see how the previous losses have stolen the joy of this ‘new possibility’ (I am not comfortable with the actual ‘P’ word yet). Both CJ and I are in denial. We are not talking about it much and most of the time I don’t even remember I got some positive pee sticks.

I have become such a negative person. The only thing I am worried right now is the location of the ‘new possibility’. The worst thing about knowing so many things from Dr. Google is now I am aware of many things that can go wrong. I am hoping it is not an ectopic. I am still within my normal AF due range and I know the doctor might get mad at me for why I checked so early. This is one of the times when I really wish the medical care here was like the U.S. or other developed countries. 

Let me explain how things work here. Once you miss your period by at least two weeks, you go take a urine test (HPT or in the lab). Take the result and see any doctor you like. The doctor shall give you some prenatal vitamins and ask you see again after you are three months along because by then we will all know if the pregnancy is viable or not. Why would you need a Blood work or U/S before that?

So I just wanted to do an u/s so that I could at least give the doctor a concrete evidence other than the faint positives. Deep inside my mind I just wanted to rule out the possibility of an ectopic. So yesterday we went to a lab and did an u/s. The doctor who would do the u/s could not believe I came for such an early check. I was not even five weeks.

We saw nothing in the ultrasound. I expected to see a sac at least. But we could see nothing at all. The doctor did not seem surprised and suggested if I was so anxious I should do a transvaginal after a couple of days. I am not sure what I should do now. I guess I must go and see my doctor as soon as possible.

I don’t have too many ‘new possibility’ symptoms either. I am urinating more frequently, feeling nausea after any food intake and of course my smelling capacity seems to have multiplied. Because it feels like everybody around me is either farting or has smelly feet. It’s disgusting!

I have been awarded…Yay!!

OMG OMG I got an award…!!!

Yaaay! This is the first time ever I got any kind of award; well if I come to think of it I did not get so many prizes either in my life. I got a ‘second prize’ when I was in second grade - my dad was the main financial contributor for that painting contest so I just hope that did not have any impact on the judges. J  

I am so honored to get the Pink Rose Award. Thank you dear Newt, thank you very much. You have touched my heart.

Everyday, the first thing I do when I come to work is I open few sites in my computer to look for updates. During the weekends (Friday and Saturday here) I used to bring home my laptop from work and connect to net through my cell phone. After my cell phone was lost I am making CJ bring home his laptop so that I can use it during weekends. My days of misery will be over soon as I am getting a new cell phone very soon (Ahem ahem…). This week; other than the Pink Rose Award, I think I won a new phone set as well. CJ promised me he would get me a new set if I got two lines this month. I did get two lines; well one of the lines is faint but it’s a good thing that there is nothing called ‘faint phone set’!

I want to give this award to so many people because I read many blogs and I love all the blogs, but I guess most of bloggers do not know me at all.

I would like to pass this award to Katie from Taking the Statistical Bullets because I think she is very brave. She never gave up hope and kept on going. She is simply very inspirational.

I would also love to pass this award to Ellie from Once Upon Happily Ever After. I have been following her blog a long time now. She is another brave girl who keeps moving after some very hard losses.

The rules are as follows:

1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.

2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.

3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.

4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.

5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.

6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

I hope I did everything right…I am not very smart when it comes to computer.

On the Roller Coaster again?

We have a local saying for those special people when they say something nice and it comes true…its like “May all the good things fall on your face (specially flowers and sandal woods but it can also be yummy foods or precious gems as well).”

So dear Newt; “May all the beautiful flowers and pure sandal woods (definitely powdered) fall on your face.” Please try to imagine it in a heavenly way not like a pile of flowers or tones of powdered sandal woods!

Why? Because I tested today morning and to my utter surprise there was a second line! It wasn’t as dark as the control line but a line is line right?

I have definitely ovulated after CD18 this cycle, not sure when so I hope the line is fainter because it is still early. I am trying to stay calm because during my first pregnancy I got a faint line as well and it did not last too long. But that was at least 7 days after I missed the due date of AF.

I am going to check again tomorrow and day after to see if the line gets darker until I get the appointment with my doctor (I guess he will be able to see me on Saturday). I am pretty scared because every minute I am feeling as if my period is coming.

I am also worried because right now I am on Folic Acid only; should I ask for progesterone supplements or baby aspirin when I see the doctor? Should I do an u/s and take the report to the doctor? Is Saturday going to be too late?

Questions and worries are wiggling in my head like mosquito larva….yuck I feel nauseated at my own thoughts.

Anyway I am keeping my trembling fingers crossed; Please Please Please Dear God let it be the Third Time Charm!