Started worrying already-please God keep me sane in this Journey!

Moving from one place to another is such a pain! Not to mention that I couldn’t even take a day off from work using the shifting as an excuse.Well, we have already shifted to a new house on last Tuesday. This house is definitely bigger and I surely hope that there is going to be more privacy from other people living in this house than the last one. 

I am kind of scared. I have planned to be off BC from this month. I guess you might become a little surprised but it is true that I don’t have any idea how does an ovulation kit works or taking basal temperature helps you to find out the right time! What I have read in the net and understood from other peoples’ blog that when the temperature is higher it is most probably the time when you have laid the egg! J 

I am not sure if can find any additional help (OPK) in my country but I guess I will stick to our traditional method which is to have sex on alternate days from day 10 to day 20 after LMP. I think I heard somewhere or somebody told me that during ovulation a lot of egg what type mucus is produced and I have been tracking that for last three months. What makes me even a better predictor that last month I did not feel any kind of egg white secretion  near day 15 but felt it a little around day 23/24 after LMP, my period was delayed by 10 days last month so I think I am getting good at it. 

I am a little worried and scared thinking what if I don’t ovulate like last month and if I do then what if I miss it! I am also very annoyed with myself that I am already stressing myself over getting pregnant so only God knows how I am going feel once I get pregnant!

Life becomes so unbearable sometimes

It was exactly on the 17thday after my LMP. It was weekend and I was at work. I was getting ready to leave the office since it was almost five p.m. Before I leave office I went to the restroom to pee and I saw blood on my panties. It was not bright red but I was devastated. I rushed out of the toilet and told my supervisor that I am not feeling well and I might not be able to come to the office after weekend. Seeing my face he did not ask me what happened. He was not aware of my pregnancy since I planned previously to tell the world when I start to show. CJ came to pick me up, he was waiting downstairs. I was almost crying and I told him about what happened.

 The OB we have consulted gave us her contact number and I called her immediately. She was not really as concerned as I was. She asked me whether I was bleeding heavily; I said no. I wanted to see her immediately and she kinda reluctantly said okay.  

We were really shocked to find out how she dealt with the situation. She actually told me there was nothing she could do if the pregnancy was not viable. And she said it very rudely. She gave me progesterone supplements and asked me to see her with u/s report after three days.

 We came home with broken heart. On the way back CJ wanted to stop at my parents place, he kept on insisting that I should spend the night there. That was the last thing I wanted to do right then. I just wanted to be all by myself. We came back home and I could not stop crying. I was bleeding constantly as if I was having a normal period.

In the morning CJ took me to my parent’s place; I did not stop him any more because he was scared and upset.

 I was on bed rest for the next three days. My mom was still very positive, she said despite all these bleeding I could still be pregnant. Yeah right! On the third day we went for the u/s.The ultra showed there was nothing inside! Absolutely nothing!

The doctor who was doing u/s asked what was wrong with me. After we’ve explained he said it was a good thing that my uterus was empty and I do not need a d/c. Well I guess that was something good out something so bad!

 I consider myself to be a very practical person. I was very upset but I decided to move on. I thought since I got pregnant with our first try it means I can get pregnant. So I am done with the first step. One miscarriage is very common so now that I had a miscarriage that means I am right now on the other side of the statistics. I mean on the better side! So I can pretty much be sure that my next pregnancy is going to be fine.I decided to see a doctor before we start TTC again. I was a little desperate and decided not to wait any longer. I was surfing net like crazy, looking for positive stories.I could not wait any longer. Suddenly my life became very focused on having a baby!

Seems like yesterday…

After exactly two years of my marriage, I realized that there is never going to be a right time when me and CJ are going to feel that yes now we are ready for a baby. We both had good jobs but we were thinking may be after few months things will be little more appropriate. I was having some problems with my in laws and for that reason sometimes I used to get really frustrated.

Right after our two year anniversary in March we decided that we should start TTC now because we thought it was very normal that it could take us few months to get pregnant. I kinda knew then that from 10 to 20 days after AF was the fertile period so obviously we were having sex around that time. So when I missed my period in May although I was kind of prepared but I was also very happy because I that I am able to have baby and probably am very fertile. I did not even imagine in my wildest dream that getting pregnant was just the beginning!

One thing I know for sure that after we saw two lines in HPT strip; we were not confused about having a baby anymore. The whole world seemed to be a better place than yesterday and we felt yes this is the right time.

We live in a country which is still developing. I think I should feel blessed that I was born in that part of our society (mostly well off people who are living in the city) from where better education, medical treatment etc were more accessible. It is very normal here that women are not sent to have u/s until something was very wrong.

So when I saw a very faint second line, I was not at all bothered and decided to see a doctor thinking I should have some vitamins. We chose a random OB who practices nearby and saw her on a weekend at our convenience. Just as I thought she gave me some folic acid and asked me to see her again after 1 month.

I was living my life like any other normal women because I was convinced since I was pregnant it meant I was having a baby after nine months. I was going to work and doing other staffs normally. Now that I surf in the net a lot and discussed with few doctors I really don’t know how much it helps taking rest in early pregnancy but it generally advised here by elders that first three months are very critical and pregnant women should be in complete rest during that time!

I was not really having any nausea, food craving or anything. I did not know in pregnancy sore breasts were common so I did really notice. I thought I did not need to bother; like any other woman I was pregnant and like any other woman I was going to have a baby! Little did I know at that time very soon my definitions of being pregnant and having baby will be completely different. I think I would never believe until I bring home a healthy baby. And I am eagerly waiting for that day!    

I had my period!

Finally I had my period today. Since I was kind of paranoid for the last 10 days expecting it to come any time so when today during work I felt I was licking something I just assumed that it was most probably psychological. But when I got time to check my panty and I figured that I was having my period; I also figured that I did not have any thing to take care of it (no pads or tampons whatever!). Anyway I managed some how; one of my colleagues had some extra!

I am actually wondering about the irony of my life. When I am pregnant I am praying every moment that I don’t see blood when I check my underwear and then again when I am NOT pregnant I am hoping and praying for AF to come regularly. I understand this is very normal but I had these feelings coming so close to each other (two pregnancy and two miscarriages in seven month!) that I get really confused with whole thing… 

Really pissed at AF

Well I had my last period on February 8, 2008. Since I usually have 31-32 days cycle and its quite regular, I was expecting my AF to come around 10th of March. This cycle was long waited for me as I had decided that I would start TTC after AF comes. But guess what AF is not showing up and I am getting more and more upset about it.

After my second miscarriage back in November, my doctor did not discuss with me about how long I needed to wait before I could try again. I did not ask him either since I was not really ready to try at that time anyway. After I went to him with all my test results in February, he said everything was okay and I could start TTC immediately. That was quite a big shock for me since I was not at all prepared to hear that. I was thinking something was very wrong with me and it would take him quite long to fix that up.

I came home with a weird feeling that day and discussed with CJ that I would skip this cycle and start right after my period in March. I did not even imagine that my plan would back fire this way! 😦 

Here I am

So finally I have started blogging. Well I actually have decided it a long time ago but was not really getting enough time start it. I should also mention that I am little slow with the computer.