General Rantings of the Day

Its going to be pretty much venting today…I am upset with a lot of things. I am going to talk about only two now:

My BBT Charting:

It is not going quite well. The first thing in the morning I am doing for the last few days even before I come out of the bed is to take my BBT. And it is 96.9° F EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is ridiculous. I know perfectly why this is happening.

Right now it is summer here and it means a hell lot of summer. It is roughly 40°C outside during the day. This crazy hot weather will continue for at least next couple of months before rainy season starts. Our bed room is air conditioned and CJ prefers to have almost freezing temperature inside the room. Every night after I fall asleep he changes the thermostat and I wake up almost shivering.

I think this is the reason why I am getting 96.9° F everyday which is even below what I guess should be the normal temperature.

My beloved husband CJ:

He is an insensitive monster. Last night suddenly I woke up in the middle of the night and had to witness something that I was quite ready for. CJ was watching porn……AARRGH; I was furious.

Its not that I do not allow my man to watch porn but when we are TTC, I felt it was absolutely inappropriate. He told me later that the way I reacted to this was more like I was a witch doctor beating the shit out of a possessed victim (by victim he meant himself). I just hope I was good enough to get the “bad spirit” out of the “victim”. He said sorry a hundred of times but I am still quite mad at him.

My work:

The picture below should explain how things are at work

I don’t feel like working at all. I am just foolong around all day.

Who says its too late to learn?

Oh okay! So taking BBT was that easy!

I always thought in order to find out BBT you need a special kind of thermometer [especially made for taking ovulation temperature (whatever that is)]. I was pretty sure that kind of instrument was not available in my country.

Since these days I am extremely bored with my TTC life so yesterday I decided to Google a little on taking BBT. And I was amazed to find the following:

Charting your BBTs is really pretty easy. Basically, what you are doing is taking your temperature first thing each day and plotting the temperature on a chart.

So this is it! On my way back home from work I went straight to a medical store and bought a digital thermometer. I know by charting BBT I will only find out that ovulation occurred but that’s not bad I guess. At least I will find out if am ovulating properly.

I took my temperature today morning and it came 96.9. Today is CD5 so I guess that’s alright.

Most probably CJ will be going to China of a couple of days next week from his work. I already miss him and since now I can count like other cool women on the net; I have also figured that I will be CD16 when he would leave. So most probably the most fertile period will be over by then.

I am making a list of things that I am going to ask CJ to bring from China. So far I have came up with the following:

1. Panty Liner (Loads of them, since they are not always available here).

2. Shawls (all colors possible – I am an absolute freak about them, I already have almost all colors but I am sure I do not have all shadesJ).

3. Bra – I could really use some good ones but I am not sure if he will be able to bring the right size.

I am still working on number 4.

No luck this month!

I wish I could actually write something like, “yeah we made it” around this time of the month but sadly enough it is more like, “No this was not our month”.

I am okay. I was very sad on the 18thApril when I checked with a HPT and it was a BFN.

CJ was little mad this time, “You make us feel old” and “Stop being so paranoid – it’s just the first month we are trying!”

I have decided to be more reasonable. I understand I am making it more like a chore and there is little fun left in the process. But despite my understanding and everything else, I really really want to be pregnant now. So I guess I am back to where I was.

I started my period yesterday. At least this is a good thing that it was on time this month. I was worrying my cycles were screwed up since last month my AF was 10 days late.

My cousin had a baby girl last night. Back in October we were discussing how close our babies would be since her EDD was during last week of April and mine was May 10. Well she had her baby and I am trying hard as if everything is absolutely okay with me.

I am happy for her but I don’t know some where something is not feeling right. I guess I am just jealous. I am a horrible person and I do not expect any body in my family to understand. We will go to the hospital and see the baby today after work.

To take my mind off these TTC thingies and pregnancy stuffs I have decided to be occupied with new ideas to tidy up my room. Last night I filed properly all the important documents I had at home (like my certificates, cards etc), marked 13 sets of different keys so that I stop having trouble finding the right one at the right time and completely arranged all my clothes in the Almirah.

Things in my life seems to be moving very slowly.

I guess I should not have my hopes too high anymore…

Yesterday was a bad day for me.

I took a HPT in the morning and it came negative.

The night before, when me and CJ were in the bed; I said I would take a test tomorrow.

He was immediately annoyed; No way! Promise me you wouldn’t take the test until 19th April when your AF is due.

I reluctantly said okay but I knew I was going to do it anyway next morning.

May be it was a little early for taking the test but since I am having all kinds of symptoms (which can very well be pre-menstrual) I could not wait any longer.

I am not sure when I ovulated this month but as I have a 31-32 day cycle I always assume it is during the mid cycle. So may be yesterday was actually 10 DPO. But who knows may be it was 14 DPO!

I guess I will check again around 19th if I don’t get my AF by then already.

L

Another Ending…

I am really happy that you lovely ladies have read and commented in my blog. Since I am always struggling with my English so if I can make sense in my writings I certainly feel great about it.

I want to end my ramblings with my miscarriages so in this post I am going to talk about it briefly.

After my u/s where it showed that the fetus measured 8w6d and had no heart beat; I became absolutely numb. CJ went to the rest room; I could hear him weeping loud from outside. The doctor scheduled the D&C next day so we decided to staying in the hospital for another day.

I started bleeding that night with tremendous cramping. I was taken to the Emergency and given high dose sedatives to ease the pain. I guess they also gave me some kind of medication so that my body expels everything. They used forceps to get tissues out of me which were almost getting out by itself (sorry tmi).

Next morning another u/s showed my uterus was empty, so I did not need any surgical intrusion. I was asked to come back after a week for a follow up u/s and given tons of medicines.

What I am still not sure is when I asked doctors that since the baby measured 8w6d on my 13th week; does that mean I was carrying the dead fetus for about 4 weeks?

My doctor agreed but some duty doctor said it might be possible that the baby died later and has shrunk to 8w6d proportions. I have never heard of this before and even after. So I don’t know if that is possible.

I never realized this accident would have so much impact on my life. My whole personality has changed; I used to be a very lively person, joking all the time. I have become an introvert person and a loner. I do not like being in crowded place anymore. CJ has been extraordinarily supportive. He dragged me to a vacation in India in late December which helped me a lot to recover.

We went to Jaipur, Agra and few other places in India. Visiting Taz Mahal was fascinating.

We were on the terrace of this beautiful monument. CJ held my hands and pulled me closer. He calmed me like a baby and said that God’s way is always the best way even if to us it seems all wrong sometimes; so we need to have trust in ourselves and have absolute trust in God. We will have what we want when the time is right.

I keep wondering how long I have to wait for the right time!

 

So…What’s up?

I am wondering…is it all inside my head or is really happening to me!

As we planned last month, we are now on the TTC boat. After my AF on March 19, I decided to have sex on alternate days from my 10th/12th day.

So we are working on it that way…I should say it is becoming very strenuous for CJ because he thinks it is not at all sexy anymore. He feels like I am asking for money or something like that from him. And the way I start getting into the act is also very unromantic.

Well after he told me this few days ago; I said, “Well now if you are finished with your talking then please get out your pants!”

Poor CJ!

The thing is I have started feeling dizzy since last week, I guess I am quite tired all the time and I also feel that my sense of smell has developed more than usual. That’s weird right! I could not possibly have pregnancy symptoms so early.

I think I am just imagining these symptoms or these are just normal before AF. I am well aware that even to conceive it might take few months, whereas I still have 12 more days to reach my expected period date.

I am at work now and I think I am also peeing a lot more frequently than usual. I am trying not to think about it too much. I don’t want to have my hopes too high. I really don’t wanna get upset if I have my period around the 19/20 of this month.

Damn! This is not very nice.

And there it goes again!

I was quite scared when I found out about the pregnancy but as I said before I thought this time I was going to make it.

We were planning to go somewhere for a vacation after the first incident. My period was due on the day were leaving for Nepal. I took one HPT before we were heading airport and it came out positive. We were overwhelmed with joy but this time we both wanted to wait one more week to rule out the possibility of a chemical pregnancy or something like that.

I went to Nepal before but this time I hated it. I simply could not eat, every single food smelt like rotten eggs to me. But other than this, things were fine. We got great view of the mountain range (the picture on the top of the blog was taken there). We were very careful so we avoided long and stressful journeys. We were just resting and remembering every now then that we were pregnant!

We came back after one week. We went immediately to have an u/s. Yes people might find it very fascinating that any body can have as many as u/s he/she wants in my country if they are able to pay for it. How much do they cost? About 20 to 30 dollars. I am really not kidding!

So we went to a nearby clinic and had an u/s. The doctor could spot the heart flickering right away. Every thing looked perfect and the baby measured 6w4d.

We went to a doctor next day with the u/s report. She was working in a newly constructed hospital. It was definitely more expensive than other hospitals in the city and only comparatively well off people can afford to go there. We decided earlier that we would go there anyway and we were ready to pay a little more sacrificing few other things in life. We heard about her from few friends of ours. She is not a specialist (RE) but a general OB-Gyn.

She worked in the US for a while and we really liked her. She was definitely very advanced in her thinking. In most cases doctors here do not want to see a pregnant lady until she is at least 3 months along.

She queried if was having any type of spotting. Since I was fine she asked me to continue with the folic acid and asked me come after 2 weeks with another u/s.

I was very frightened during my second u/s after 2 weeks. But there was a very strong heart beat of 189 bpm and the baby measured 8w2d. I was crying like a baby. We went on telling every one about the pregnancy. My parents and CJs parents were very excited.

I can see that I want to make this story short. I guess it is because I really don’t want to think about these memories any more. I was in lot of family dispute at the time with my in laws. I guess I just want to delete that phase out of my life because it brings stress to my life even to think about it.

My 12 week regular check up with the OB went fine. We didn’t have any u/s this time though she tried to find HB with a Doppler. She could not hear anything but she said it was normal if the Doppler could not to find it so early.

I started spotting next day. It was a day before weekend and I saw brown blood before I was leaving from work. I called CJ and we went to the hospital directly.

The duty doctor asked me to get admitted after a brief vaginal check up. She could see blood in my OS (I don’t know what that means) and an u/s was the best way to see how the baby was doing. Since it was already evening the u/s technician was not available so we decided to stay in and have the u/s early in the morning. 

We were very scared but hoping and praying to God that everything was okay. He could not do this to us again!

The next day was a disaster. During my u/s, from the technician’s face I understood something was wrong. I asked her whether she could detect the HB and she said “please let me see first”. I had no idea why it would take her so long to find out the HB.

So I decided to ask her an easier question, “how many days is the baby measuring?”

This time she answered, “8 weeks and 6 days.”

I was exactly 13 weeks on that day after LMP.

I realized immediately what happened.