Where did I put my remote – I want to fast forward few days of my life!

So here I am – I have a urine test report to prove I am pregnant but my mind does not really make me feel so pregnant. I am in denial and worrying every moment its not going to last too long. I think it’s a state which is called half pregnant!

As CJ says, my ‘processor’ never stops, even when I am sleeping it is not ‘shut down’ – it is in a ‘stand by’ mode. He says when it’s really quiet and if someone puts his ear beside my head, he is sure to hear the humming sound coming out of there (my processor is in my head according to CJ). Whatever he says to tease me but I know that I am constantly thinking; I guess worrying would be a better word.

I am dying to know about what is happening inside me right now. I can just go to a lab anytime and get an u/s done – it is very cheap here and does not need and doctor’s prescription. If everything looked fine I could go every week and get the peace of my mind. But I am scared what if everything is not right. Since it is still early I know it would remain inconclusive and I would need to check again after weeks and that would be the worst days of my life. So may be its better I don’t try to find out what’s happening inside me. My scheduled u/s is going to be a little over nine weeks, so if nothing goes wrong before then I shall try not to take any u/s by my own.

I am so scared that I am trying not to grow any kind of attachment with Fifi. It was decided by us when we started TTC that this time we would call it Fifi instead of baby so that we don’t feel too attached initailly. We were wrong – calling it Fifi or baby or whatever….how can we hide from our feelings.   

Anyway I got my mobile set – Yeayyyyyyy! CJ got me a new Nokia E51 as he promised and it is a beauty. The camera is only 2 mega pixel but I don’t care since I can browse with it as much as I want. I wish I could post a photo of my ‘knocked up’ gift but I don’t have the camera with me right now. I am posting two pictures that were taken with the new phone.

These are the bangles I brought from India last December. Yes these are my hands but they look fatter in the picture – must be something wrong with the phone’s camera J.

Counting days…

I want to thank everyone who reads my blog. I started this blog because I needed a place to vent and talk about having babies continuously. In my real life I need to be a sane girl who is not much bothered about all these; she is very strong, very practical and takes life very easy. I figured why I did not want to be myself about this in realty – I can’t take people pitying me and moreover deep inside my mind I know at the end of the day it is going to be treated as a failure of mine.

In our society it does not matter how educated or qualified a woman is but she is a big failure if she is not capable of having children. The worst part is no matter whatever the problem is (lets say the husband has zero sperm count), some how it becomes the girl’s fault. The husband and the husband’s family can’t help wondering, ‘well if it was some other capable woman, we definitely could have a baby’.

Things are a little different among the comparatively educated or broad minded people. They at least try to understand what the problem is but there are always neighbors or relatives who would make a big deal out of this. The point is, a couple can stay childless here but that takes a lot of courage and strength.  

So we are not sharing with anyone yet that there is a ‘new possibility’. For me getting a positive and having a baby are two different things and I am scared every moment that something will go wrong. So right now I am living in my blog, this has become my actual life where I got a positive PT and counting each day eagerly. Thanks again to those who are reading or commenting, this place seems more real!

Anyway I went to the doctor yesterday. I will call him Dr. TAC from now. I have to explain how it works for this special guy. I counted 78 chairs in the waiting room and there were many people who were waiting on their feet. If each patient came with minimum one companion that means there were at least 40 patients. He sees patients from evening until midnight.

Dr. TAC is like a wizard in our country. He is old and very experienced. I personally know at least 5 people who were able to have healthy babies after he saw them. So people come from allover the country to get treatments him.

In the capital city we do have some modernized well equipped hospitals but when these do not work, people tend to see someone more experienced who gives them hope. I was satisfied with the doctor and hospital I used to go when I was pregnant last time but I wanted to see Dr. TAC after the miscarriage.

So all my questions went down the drain because Dr. TAC saw me for 2 minutes in total. He gave me progesterone supplements, vitamin B and folic acid. I wanted to ask him about baby aspirin but was too scared to ask. I asked him about taking rest (that’s another old wives’ tale here – absolute rest is required during first three months if you want a healthy baby!), I was glad that he said it was not necessary.

Dr. TAC asked me to see him again after one month with u/s report done around that time. So that leaves me with only one worry now, ‘will it last that long?’

I wish I could stop thinking about it

I can see how the previous losses have stolen the joy of this ‘new possibility’ (I am not comfortable with the actual ‘P’ word yet). Both CJ and I are in denial. We are not talking about it much and most of the time I don’t even remember I got some positive pee sticks.

I have become such a negative person. The only thing I am worried right now is the location of the ‘new possibility’. The worst thing about knowing so many things from Dr. Google is now I am aware of many things that can go wrong. I am hoping it is not an ectopic. I am still within my normal AF due range and I know the doctor might get mad at me for why I checked so early. This is one of the times when I really wish the medical care here was like the U.S. or other developed countries. 

Let me explain how things work here. Once you miss your period by at least two weeks, you go take a urine test (HPT or in the lab). Take the result and see any doctor you like. The doctor shall give you some prenatal vitamins and ask you see again after you are three months along because by then we will all know if the pregnancy is viable or not. Why would you need a Blood work or U/S before that?

So I just wanted to do an u/s so that I could at least give the doctor a concrete evidence other than the faint positives. Deep inside my mind I just wanted to rule out the possibility of an ectopic. So yesterday we went to a lab and did an u/s. The doctor who would do the u/s could not believe I came for such an early check. I was not even five weeks.

We saw nothing in the ultrasound. I expected to see a sac at least. But we could see nothing at all. The doctor did not seem surprised and suggested if I was so anxious I should do a transvaginal after a couple of days. I am not sure what I should do now. I guess I must go and see my doctor as soon as possible.

I don’t have too many ‘new possibility’ symptoms either. I am urinating more frequently, feeling nausea after any food intake and of course my smelling capacity seems to have multiplied. Because it feels like everybody around me is either farting or has smelly feet. It’s disgusting!

I have been awarded…Yay!!

OMG OMG I got an award…!!!

Yaaay! This is the first time ever I got any kind of award; well if I come to think of it I did not get so many prizes either in my life. I got a ‘second prize’ when I was in second grade – my dad was the main financial contributor for that painting contest so I just hope that did not have any impact on the judges. J  

I am so honored to get the Pink Rose Award. Thank you dear Newt, thank you very much. You have touched my heart.

Everyday, the first thing I do when I come to work is I open few sites in my computer to look for updates. During the weekends (Friday and Saturday here) I used to bring home my laptop from work and connect to net through my cell phone. After my cell phone was lost I am making CJ bring home his laptop so that I can use it during weekends. My days of misery will be over soon as I am getting a new cell phone very soon (Ahem ahem…). This week; other than the Pink Rose Award, I think I won a new phone set as well. CJ promised me he would get me a new set if I got two lines this month. I did get two lines; well one of the lines is faint but it’s a good thing that there is nothing called ‘faint phone set’!

I want to give this award to so many people because I read many blogs and I love all the blogs, but I guess most of bloggers do not know me at all.

I would like to pass this award to Katie from Taking the Statistical Bullets because I think she is very brave. She never gave up hope and kept on going. She is simply very inspirational.

I would also love to pass this award to Ellie from Once Upon Happily Ever After. I have been following her blog a long time now. She is another brave girl who keeps moving after some very hard losses.

The rules are as follows:

1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.

2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.

3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.

4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.

5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.

6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

I hope I did everything right…I am not very smart when it comes to computer.

On the Roller Coaster again?

We have a local saying for those special people when they say something nice and it comes true…its like “May all the good things fall on your face (specially flowers and sandal woods but it can also be yummy foods or precious gems as well).”

So dear Newt; “May all the beautiful flowers and pure sandal woods (definitely powdered) fall on your face.” Please try to imagine it in a heavenly way not like a pile of flowers or tones of powdered sandal woods!

Why? Because I tested today morning and to my utter surprise there was a second line! It wasn’t as dark as the control line but a line is line right?

I have definitely ovulated after CD18 this cycle, not sure when so I hope the line is fainter because it is still early. I am trying to stay calm because during my first pregnancy I got a faint line as well and it did not last too long. But that was at least 7 days after I missed the due date of AF.

I am going to check again tomorrow and day after to see if the line gets darker until I get the appointment with my doctor (I guess he will be able to see me on Saturday). I am pretty scared because every minute I am feeling as if my period is coming.

I am also worried because right now I am on Folic Acid only; should I ask for progesterone supplements or baby aspirin when I see the doctor? Should I do an u/s and take the report to the doctor? Is Saturday going to be too late?

Questions and worries are wiggling in my head like mosquito larva….yuck I feel nauseated at my own thoughts.

Anyway I am keeping my trembling fingers crossed; Please Please Please Dear God let it be the Third Time Charm!

I am sick of seeing the one liners…

Yeah, that’s what I am seeing every morning. I tested two yesterday and one today – same thing!

I still do have little nausea and tiredness so I do have some hope that I may have ovulated later than I think therefore not getting positive yet. Well at the same time I know most probably my mind is playing trick on myself and giving me a lot of pregnancy symptoms. Whatever it is…I am stressed.

I don’t know I am mad at who but I am really mad that getting knocked up is becoming so stressful. So once I do get knocked up I can’t imagine how stressful it is going to be staying that way!

Waiting to get knocked up…

CD 27 today, but I lost track of BBT so it could be anywhere around DPO 10 to 12. I do have few symptoms like I am feeling mildly nauseated after I eat anything (It could be acidity as I am eating outside a lot). I can not keep my eyes open after 9.00 pm; may be because I am too tried from my work. The thing is I am trying not to get too carried away with all these symptoms because I had many symptoms last month as well. The less I anticipate I guess the less I will be hurt if it did not work this cycle. But then again I think it worked (from the symptoms)…..lol my thoughts are back to square 1!

I am going to test on Monday, 19th May if the ugly Lady in Red does not show up by then. The waiting is becoming very hard but I don’t want to test early.

I lost my cell phone few days ago, most likely it was stolen. I was at a family get together where I left the phone somewhere after I spoke to someone and was never able to find it. I am not too much of a phone person; all I care about is that phone should have Bluetooth facilities so that I can connect internet to my laptop at home. The connection provided in the office has a lot of restrictions.

Right now I am using an old Nokia set. So CJ took me to a phone shop yesterday and obviously I did not like what he thought I should get for myself! He recommended Sony Ericsson but I was getting myself confused with whether to buy Nokia E51 or N81, consequently I came home without getting anything.

Later that night I decided it was going to be E51 and I told CJ that I was going to get that very soon.

Suddenly he said, it is going to be a gift from me if you get knocked up this month.

I rolled my eyes and asked what if I don’t get knocked up this month?

Then you stick to your original plan and get it yourself.

Hmmm…..well it is not very unusual between us. We have many gifts set for each other for achieving different milestones. For example he wanted to get me a diamond ring for my last birthday. I was happily pregnant at that time and I suggested I would like to get it when I have the baby. Sad enough I did not get any of them. So I managed to tell him again that I don’t want have it from him unitl I have the baby.

Anyway I am eagerly waiting for Monday and I definitely want CJ to buy me the E51.