I am so glad that your pregnancy did not work out!

I can’t believe I am saying this but irony of my life is that it is true.

When my cousin told me she was pregnant, it seemed like the sky fell up on me. I was looking for ways to settle it but I knew the only way was to let the baby go. And it was more disturbing for me to make arrangement for abortion since I am emotionally suffering for my own losses.

In my country the society is still very very conservative. It is unthinkable and unacceptable socially (and absolutely forbidden religiously) to have a baby before marriage. If some one chose to go for it is not impossible but that person and the respective family will be practically abandoned. Moreover in most cases the family itself will not support it. My cousin’s case was exactly one of these since her parents are very strict and religiously conservative. Seriously if I knew a place where I could hide her for a year I would definitely do that.

I was calling different clinics and I got the same response from everywhere. They would not do it! Why? Because first pregnancy is very sensitive, if anything went wrong during the D&C, the patient may never be able to have a baby. My cousin has no idea how much pain I felt in my heart when I heard this.

Anyway she called me up next day and said she was bleeding a little. I was hopeful may be it is a chemical pregnancy (I can’t believe I am saying this!). I was calling her almost every 20 minutes to find out how much she was bleeding. I asked her to wait two days and then go for a u/s. According to her she felt like she was having her period. I have also asked her to use a different name when she went for the u/s.

The u/s showed there was nothing inside the womb. What can I say…I am so glad that her pregnancy did not work out because if it did I had to be a part of the abortion!

I asked her to have plenty of liquids and take rest. Told her mom that she has mild UTI so make sure she eats well. I want to slap her for being so irresponsible.

If I could carry to term, today would be my due date. I and CJ were quite upset when we talked about this but after going through my cousin’s situation I am pretty much lost. I am also distressed about the recent loss (my cousin’s) because somehow I am feeling glad about it when I know perfectly actually it is not something to be glad abou. I am having mixed feelings but I know I am relieved.

I just hope nobody else ever gets into a situation like this.


Is God mad at me for some reason?

I have no words to explain how bad I am feeling right now. I am going through something that I have always intentionally avoided so far. My 20 year old cousin is pregnant and she needs to have an abortion. And I am the one who has to take her to the clinic while I am mourning with the pain of my miscarriages like hell.

I cried and cried like a littlie baby last night. CJ was very concerned. I said I don’t know what happened to me but I was feeling very sad that’s why I could not stop crying.

My cousin is very close to me, we are practically like sisters. considering where we live and our society, it is illegal to be physically active before marriage. Well that definitely does not stop young people from having the fun. But I can at least expect these people to be a little responsible.

As I am pretty close with my friends and cousins, this is not the first time I am asked for this type of help. I am not against abortion but I really hate to be a part of this because for me it is killing a person. After my miscarriages I have definitely become super sensitive about it.

For my cousin I absolutely understand her situation. I am mad at her and to tell you the truth my heart breaks into tiny pieces every time I think of it. I want to kill her right now. I am the only one she has told so far and I have ensured she does not talk about it to anyone else. If her parents find out they might commit suicide. Yes it is that serious! They are very conservative and she will never be able to have a normal life here if others find out. The fact itself that she is actually physically active is a big shock for me; and that she needs to get rid of a baby is something beyond my understanding limit. I just wish she could do it by herself and never told me. Every moment I am expecting her to call and say “come on I was just joking”.

If it was anybody else I would have said please go and F**k yourself once again. Here I am struggling with carrying a baby to full term and you need to get rid of one just because you were not paying too much attention while having fun!

But in this case my hands are tied and I have no other choice if I don’t want to hurt her parents. Which I really really do not want to. I am also trying to give her support because I am scared that she does not end up doing something stupid like eloping with the guy or run away from home.

If I did not have the miscarriage in November, my EDD would be on the 10th May, 2008, this coming Saturday. I am really trying not to think about this day and was looking for ways to occupy myself so that I did not think too much about it. I never thought I would have to go through something like this.

I am very hurt and I don’t have a shoulder to lean on and say why I am feeling so bad!


Another Ending…

I am really happy that you lovely ladies have read and commented in my blog. Since I am always struggling with my English so if I can make sense in my writings I certainly feel great about it.

I want to end my ramblings with my miscarriages so in this post I am going to talk about it briefly.

After my u/s where it showed that the fetus measured 8w6d and had no heart beat; I became absolutely numb. CJ went to the rest room; I could hear him weeping loud from outside. The doctor scheduled the D&C next day so we decided to staying in the hospital for another day.

I started bleeding that night with tremendous cramping. I was taken to the Emergency and given high dose sedatives to ease the pain. I guess they also gave me some kind of medication so that my body expels everything. They used forceps to get tissues out of me which were almost getting out by itself (sorry tmi).

Next morning another u/s showed my uterus was empty, so I did not need any surgical intrusion. I was asked to come back after a week for a follow up u/s and given tons of medicines.

What I am still not sure is when I asked doctors that since the baby measured 8w6d on my 13th week; does that mean I was carrying the dead fetus for about 4 weeks?

My doctor agreed but some duty doctor said it might be possible that the baby died later and has shrunk to 8w6d proportions. I have never heard of this before and even after. So I don’t know if that is possible.

I never realized this accident would have so much impact on my life. My whole personality has changed; I used to be a very lively person, joking all the time. I have become an introvert person and a loner. I do not like being in crowded place anymore. CJ has been extraordinarily supportive. He dragged me to a vacation in India in late December which helped me a lot to recover.

We went to Jaipur, Agra and few other places in India. Visiting Taz Mahal was fascinating.

We were on the terrace of this beautiful monument. CJ held my hands and pulled me closer. He calmed me like a baby and said that God’s way is always the best way even if to us it seems all wrong sometimes; so we need to have trust in ourselves and have absolute trust in God. We will have what we want when the time is right.

I keep wondering how long I have to wait for the right time!


And there it goes again!

I was quite scared when I found out about the pregnancy but as I said before I thought this time I was going to make it.

We were planning to go somewhere for a vacation after the first incident. My period was due on the day were leaving for Nepal. I took one HPT before we were heading airport and it came out positive. We were overwhelmed with joy but this time we both wanted to wait one more week to rule out the possibility of a chemical pregnancy or something like that.

I went to Nepal before but this time I hated it. I simply could not eat, every single food smelt like rotten eggs to me. But other than this, things were fine. We got great view of the mountain range (the picture on the top of the blog was taken there). We were very careful so we avoided long and stressful journeys. We were just resting and remembering every now then that we were pregnant!

We came back after one week. We went immediately to have an u/s. Yes people might find it very fascinating that any body can have as many as u/s he/she wants in my country if they are able to pay for it. How much do they cost? About 20 to 30 dollars. I am really not kidding!

So we went to a nearby clinic and had an u/s. The doctor could spot the heart flickering right away. Every thing looked perfect and the baby measured 6w4d.

We went to a doctor next day with the u/s report. She was working in a newly constructed hospital. It was definitely more expensive than other hospitals in the city and only comparatively well off people can afford to go there. We decided earlier that we would go there anyway and we were ready to pay a little more sacrificing few other things in life. We heard about her from few friends of ours. She is not a specialist (RE) but a general OB-Gyn.

She worked in the US for a while and we really liked her. She was definitely very advanced in her thinking. In most cases doctors here do not want to see a pregnant lady until she is at least 3 months along.

She queried if was having any type of spotting. Since I was fine she asked me to continue with the folic acid and asked me come after 2 weeks with another u/s.

I was very frightened during my second u/s after 2 weeks. But there was a very strong heart beat of 189 bpm and the baby measured 8w2d. I was crying like a baby. We went on telling every one about the pregnancy. My parents and CJs parents were very excited.

I can see that I want to make this story short. I guess it is because I really don’t want to think about these memories any more. I was in lot of family dispute at the time with my in laws. I guess I just want to delete that phase out of my life because it brings stress to my life even to think about it.

My 12 week regular check up with the OB went fine. We didn’t have any u/s this time though she tried to find HB with a Doppler. She could not hear anything but she said it was normal if the Doppler could not to find it so early.

I started spotting next day. It was a day before weekend and I saw brown blood before I was leaving from work. I called CJ and we went to the hospital directly.

The duty doctor asked me to get admitted after a brief vaginal check up. She could see blood in my OS (I don’t know what that means) and an u/s was the best way to see how the baby was doing. Since it was already evening the u/s technician was not available so we decided to stay in and have the u/s early in the morning. 

We were very scared but hoping and praying to God that everything was okay. He could not do this to us again!

The next day was a disaster. During my u/s, from the technician’s face I understood something was wrong. I asked her whether she could detect the HB and she said “please let me see first”. I had no idea why it would take her so long to find out the HB.

So I decided to ask her an easier question, “how many days is the baby measuring?”

This time she answered, “8 weeks and 6 days.”

I was exactly 13 weeks on that day after LMP.

I realized immediately what happened.

Life becomes so unbearable sometimes

It was exactly on the 17thday after my LMP. It was weekend and I was at work. I was getting ready to leave the office since it was almost five p.m. Before I leave office I went to the restroom to pee and I saw blood on my panties. It was not bright red but I was devastated. I rushed out of the toilet and told my supervisor that I am not feeling well and I might not be able to come to the office after weekend. Seeing my face he did not ask me what happened. He was not aware of my pregnancy since I planned previously to tell the world when I start to show. CJ came to pick me up, he was waiting downstairs. I was almost crying and I told him about what happened.

 The OB we have consulted gave us her contact number and I called her immediately. She was not really as concerned as I was. She asked me whether I was bleeding heavily; I said no. I wanted to see her immediately and she kinda reluctantly said okay.  

We were really shocked to find out how she dealt with the situation. She actually told me there was nothing she could do if the pregnancy was not viable. And she said it very rudely. She gave me progesterone supplements and asked me to see her with u/s report after three days.

 We came home with broken heart. On the way back CJ wanted to stop at my parents place, he kept on insisting that I should spend the night there. That was the last thing I wanted to do right then. I just wanted to be all by myself. We came back home and I could not stop crying. I was bleeding constantly as if I was having a normal period.

In the morning CJ took me to my parent’s place; I did not stop him any more because he was scared and upset.

 I was on bed rest for the next three days. My mom was still very positive, she said despite all these bleeding I could still be pregnant. Yeah right! On the third day we went for the u/s.The ultra showed there was nothing inside! Absolutely nothing!

The doctor who was doing u/s asked what was wrong with me. After we’ve explained he said it was a good thing that my uterus was empty and I do not need a d/c. Well I guess that was something good out something so bad!

 I consider myself to be a very practical person. I was very upset but I decided to move on. I thought since I got pregnant with our first try it means I can get pregnant. So I am done with the first step. One miscarriage is very common so now that I had a miscarriage that means I am right now on the other side of the statistics. I mean on the better side! So I can pretty much be sure that my next pregnancy is going to be fine.I decided to see a doctor before we start TTC again. I was a little desperate and decided not to wait any longer. I was surfing net like crazy, looking for positive stories.I could not wait any longer. Suddenly my life became very focused on having a baby!