And baby makes a lot of people….

I started this blog for ranting and venting about my pregnancy losses. I was at a little loss of words when I became pregnant and was staying that way…..now that I finally had the baby it seems words are even further. It feels kind of weird to write things about a gassy and fussy baby (which happens to be mine) here. Although I am not writing or commenting much (since it is quite hard to do that in my cell phone) but I am regularly reading and following all the blogs that are on my blogroll using my cell. It’s a nice place out here and I never want to stop knowing all these wonderful people.

It’s the seventh week running and still I am shamelessly staying with my mom and dad. People do stay with their parents here but usually only for a couple of weeks. I just can’t imagine looking after the baby all by myself yet. I feel so sleepy all the time and although I feel quite guilty about it – I can’t let this opportunity go :S. Since CJ didn’t make any comments about it yet (so sweet of him!) I will just take advantage of this phase while it lasts. I am not sure whether this should get on the nerves my parents by now – but so far they seem to like taking care of him – good thing my mom does not work and is a stay at home mom.

Now about the baby – now he looks almost like a human baby. He had rashes three times already and used to look like a red monkey; I was quite uncomfortable showing him to visitors. I warned them before I showed him and they gave me a horrible look – ‘How mean you are!’ type. I felt guilty – there are many women out there dying to have babies – I also went through shit while I was preggers. Then it made me think. My pregnancy was never a pleasant one and I couldn’t enjoy it thinking all the time about miscarriage, incompetent cervix, placental abruption, cord strangulation and what not. Now I am getting myself back and I want to enjoy my baby doesn’t matter how weird it seems to people – its not that I am complaining!

So where was I – yeah the red faced baby (who almost looks human now). The first few days I was happy; I was convinced I had the nicest baby on earth. He was sleeping perfectly through the night (I somehow missed the fact that he was doing the same thing during the day – he was only two weeks then). It all started when he became one month old. No one can imagine from his day version how fussy and cranky he is at night. It’s like he is possessed. I was jokingly saying this to CJ the other day and then I looked at the baby and he gave me a creepy look (must have been the squinty eye thingy before his vision gets matured) with a mysterious smile (I must have imagined it) and I was scared as hell. The whole thing amused CJ a lot though.

The reason why I don’t want to go back home because the support I am getting here. We can actually sleep few hours at a stretch at night, watch few movies at home and go out for dinner. There are even times when the baby is sleeping peacefully with my mom and I and CJ are planning whether to raise the baby without any TV or newspaper around and tell him it’s 1830 – we could tell him that we invented electricity (like in the movie waterboy) or we can do things like this on his face…..Things not to do with your baby

Oh by the way – We are having a BOY!

We have found that out too during the time I was away from the blog!

Although my doctor did not recommend but we decided to have ultrasound every month for the peace of my mind.

We went for our 25 week ultrasound (after the 20 week one) at a different place and this time the lady doing it was really nice. After she checked everything she asked us if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. We both were like, Yes Yes!

Then she looked and looked and showed us on the screen, “See that’s his little boy part!” I felt so weird; I was so prepared to hear, “It’s a girl!” I am very happy but somehow I always thought I was having a girl. In fact I was so much into thinking that it actually took me a few days to digest that I am growing a baby boy inside me 

We have decided not to tell this to anyone; so for all the friends and relatives it still remains to be a surprise! I do want to talk about it badly sometimes, especially when people are trying to guess what I am having but so far I have managed to keep it to myself. But I had to share it here in my blog – how could a woman keep such a secret all to herself for so long! Lol…

Here winter is the official wedding season. Two of my very close friends are getting married pretty soon. We all are supposed to be wearing traditional dresses and the idea itself is exhausting me. Those of you don’t have any idea about our national dress ‘Saree’ – it’s a 6 or 7 yard one piece of cloth to be wrapped around your body in a very special way so that it should look very sexy.

Something like this but can you imagine a woman with a 30 week bump wearing it?

sharee

I think it is going to be very hectic for me with the belly so I am planning to wear another very popular traditional dress which is Salwar Kameez. I wear these things everyday to work.

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One of the friend’s wedding is on Friday, but the programs actually starts from tomorrow. I will definitely post pictures of the different ceremonies. It’s high time my blog should look more colorful!

Blah Blah and Blah

I have been away because I was depressed. Very depressed.

Now if you ask me why I was depressed – I really don’t know what happened.

All I know is I was upset and feeling very low for not very apparent reasons.  

I still keep feeling weird and sad and I do not have clear idea why. One thing I know for sure that it has got nothing to do with the baby! I am more than happy that I am still pregnant and I can not wait for the baby to arrive.

In short I will note down what happened during the last months: 

Since I was always being so cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy, I was in some kind of denial all the time trying not to talk or think about it. But now I look so pregnant that there is no more running away from it, whenever I look into the mirror I experience a very weird feeling – I look so pregnant but inside my head I am still being scared and in denial. Moreover, people I don’t even I know properly ask me about the pregnancy. I know it is perfectly alright but I felt quite uncomfortable at first. But things have improved now I guess. I am getting used to the fact that I am preggy wiggy!

 

During my 12th week, 16th week and 20th week scan I was told that the baby has an anterior placenta. I don’t know how much it has something to do with the baby’s movement but I really could not feel too much movement until a couple of days ago. I did feel flutters and little movements from 16 week but those were not very regular until 24 weeks.

 

My birthday – it was on the 8th of October and I had many mixed feelings about that day. Last year I told my friends about my pregnancy on this day. We arranged a surprise for them with some riddles and finally it was disclosed. Come to think of it now technically the fetus stopped growing way before my birthday but I did not have a clue. Those memories were coming back and I could not feel too excited about my birthday.

 

November second was one year anniversary of my last loss. It was the day when I learnt that the pregnancy was over. This year being almost 27 week pregnant I thought this would not matter to me so much but it did. I cried the whole day and could not stop thinking about the baby who I never got to see.

 

My 25 week belly picture as I have promised. Got my camera fixed but can’t figure out what pictures to take and put in the blog.

dsc00007_2

Lot’s of Family Drama!!

I had to be away from blogland longer than I actually meant to…….a lot of family dramas were going on. The drama queen was my younger sister. She just finished her teen age and she is very spoilt. She had a fight with my mom last week about something very silly and she felt nobody loves her; she is the loneliest person in the world blah blah (all the craps that I believe every children feel when they have fights with their parents).

So she decided to run away from home and never come back. My mom did not bother too much at first because my sis did give these kinds of threats earlier and came back anyway. That spoilt brat took this a lot further this time and did not come back home that night and she turned her cell phone off.  

Somehow my mom and dad figured that since I am her sister so she must have contacted me and if not then would definitely do soon! So they decided to call me every half an hour to find out about her.

I was not worrying too much about her because I figured she is with her friends and they all were as insensible as her so nobody really bothered to inform the family. But my parents were constantly calling me and that started to freak me out gradually. What if she was in trouble? Our country is not a very safe place to live in and anything is possible here.

I was so mad at her for doing this to the family. She could at least keep her cell phone on and be away from home as long she wanted to!!!

I really didn’t want to worry too much – I want this pregnancy to be stress free as much as possible. But how could I not worry?

When three days passed and not a word from her, it was time to report it to the police.

But in the local culture it is a very shameful thing if a girl is missing; the first thing people would assume is that she ran away with a man. Society here is very conservative and it actually prefers a girl dead rather than staying with a guy before marriage. I really don’t give a fuck about the society or people at times like this – all I needed to know that she was okay.

Suddenly I thought of something. I work in the largest Telecom Company in the country and it has 60% of the total market share. My sister also uses the same brand.

Since I could not take the stress anymore; I asked one of my colleagues in the Core Engineering Department (I had to tell him the truth that my sister is missing) and within minute I was given the status of her last week’s cell use and he actually was able to give me the location from where the cell was used that day. Not exact address but it was good enough for me to know where she was.

I figured she was at her best friend’s place in that area (which we have assumed earlier but when contacted this particular friend a day before, he strongly denied he knew anything about it).

To make the long story short, CJ contacted her through that friend and she was brought to my place with the promise that she didn’t have to go back to home and could stay with us as long as she wanted.

Next day the family reunion was done. My brother is still mad and not talking to her right now. The whole incident gave me one good learning other than the fact how mad I could be at her. When she was away from home; I and my brother were staying more less calm thinking she was probably fine. But my parents (especially mom) were getting sick from day one (they could not eat food or sleep) worrying about their daughter. I guess that’s what happens when you carry your baby for nine long months and no body else can feel for her the way you do.

My 20 weeks scan is next week. At this point I really don’t care much if it’s a boy or girl. All I want from God is to know that it’s a healthy baby.

My struggle towards a Fetal Doppler (It would be nice if I did not know about it at all)!

I will definitely blame it on my excessively web browsing and reading other PG ladies blogs. I have never heard of a Fetal Doppler before I started reading some of the blogs. Okay may be I heard but I had no idea that you can have one of them at home – I always thought these are for hospitals only like the ultrasound machines.

So when I realized how everyone (PG ladies) is taking advantage of this wonder of science to put their mind at ease; I also became quite aggressive to get my hands on one.

I have checked with the US based websites and if the price of the Doppler along with Gel is 140 USD then to have it shipped to my country it will be a total of 240 USD!

Then there’s this friend of CJ who was coming from Australia for a visit so we thought may be we could ask him to get one for us so that we could avoid the shipping cost. But since we were not sure when he was coming so we actually ended up calling him on the day he was flying.

He managed to look in to few pharmacies before going to the airport but was told that in Sydney he could either get them from e-shopping or by renting directly from the manufacturer. He didn’t have time for any.

And finally I consoled myself thinking may be I don’t need it now. I am 14w5d today so may be I will be able to feel the baby soon.

So here I am worrying and wondering what’s happening inside me every minute! Well I did something on the day I was 14 week to motivate myself. I brought two new born baby dresses so that finally I start believing in the pregnancy. I actually blushed a lot when the salesman asked if they were for a boy or girl. I got one of each. They are not very cute but at least it was a big start for me.

Everything else is going fine with us by the grace of Almighty. Well except for the fact that I am having weird dreams like my sister running away with a 70 year old chauffer or my brother telling me that he is in love with a street beggar. Worst dreams include having threesome with two fat men (I think I am sex deprived for too long!). These dreams may seem quite funny when I am awake but trust me when I am seeing them it feels so real and scares the hell out of me!

Still hanging in there – barely

Doing better than before. No more diarrhea but feeling like puking every now and then.

Should be 7w5d today according to my LMP. Still around 15 days left till I am supposed to have an u/s as per my doctor’s recommendation.

The waiting is becoming impossible day by day and I wonder when I will simply lose it and have an u/s by myself and end all suspense!

Where did I put my remote – I want to fast forward few days of my life!

So here I am – I have a urine test report to prove I am pregnant but my mind does not really make me feel so pregnant. I am in denial and worrying every moment its not going to last too long. I think it’s a state which is called half pregnant!

As CJ says, my ‘processor’ never stops, even when I am sleeping it is not ‘shut down’ – it is in a ‘stand by’ mode. He says when it’s really quiet and if someone puts his ear beside my head, he is sure to hear the humming sound coming out of there (my processor is in my head according to CJ). Whatever he says to tease me but I know that I am constantly thinking; I guess worrying would be a better word.

I am dying to know about what is happening inside me right now. I can just go to a lab anytime and get an u/s done – it is very cheap here and does not need and doctor’s prescription. If everything looked fine I could go every week and get the peace of my mind. But I am scared what if everything is not right. Since it is still early I know it would remain inconclusive and I would need to check again after weeks and that would be the worst days of my life. So may be its better I don’t try to find out what’s happening inside me. My scheduled u/s is going to be a little over nine weeks, so if nothing goes wrong before then I shall try not to take any u/s by my own.

I am so scared that I am trying not to grow any kind of attachment with Fifi. It was decided by us when we started TTC that this time we would call it Fifi instead of baby so that we don’t feel too attached initailly. We were wrong – calling it Fifi or baby or whatever….how can we hide from our feelings.   

Anyway I got my mobile set – Yeayyyyyyy! CJ got me a new Nokia E51 as he promised and it is a beauty. The camera is only 2 mega pixel but I don’t care since I can browse with it as much as I want. I wish I could post a photo of my ‘knocked up’ gift but I don’t have the camera with me right now. I am posting two pictures that were taken with the new phone.

These are the bangles I brought from India last December. Yes these are my hands but they look fatter in the picture – must be something wrong with the phone’s camera J.