Blah Blah and Blah

I have been away because I was depressed. Very depressed.

Now if you ask me why I was depressed – I really don’t know what happened.

All I know is I was upset and feeling very low for not very apparent reasons.  

I still keep feeling weird and sad and I do not have clear idea why. One thing I know for sure that it has got nothing to do with the baby! I am more than happy that I am still pregnant and I can not wait for the baby to arrive.

In short I will note down what happened during the last months: 

Since I was always being so cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy, I was in some kind of denial all the time trying not to talk or think about it. But now I look so pregnant that there is no more running away from it, whenever I look into the mirror I experience a very weird feeling – I look so pregnant but inside my head I am still being scared and in denial. Moreover, people I don’t even I know properly ask me about the pregnancy. I know it is perfectly alright but I felt quite uncomfortable at first. But things have improved now I guess. I am getting used to the fact that I am preggy wiggy!

 

During my 12th week, 16th week and 20th week scan I was told that the baby has an anterior placenta. I don’t know how much it has something to do with the baby’s movement but I really could not feel too much movement until a couple of days ago. I did feel flutters and little movements from 16 week but those were not very regular until 24 weeks.

 

My birthday – it was on the 8th of October and I had many mixed feelings about that day. Last year I told my friends about my pregnancy on this day. We arranged a surprise for them with some riddles and finally it was disclosed. Come to think of it now technically the fetus stopped growing way before my birthday but I did not have a clue. Those memories were coming back and I could not feel too excited about my birthday.

 

November second was one year anniversary of my last loss. It was the day when I learnt that the pregnancy was over. This year being almost 27 week pregnant I thought this would not matter to me so much but it did. I cried the whole day and could not stop thinking about the baby who I never got to see.

 

My 25 week belly picture as I have promised. Got my camera fixed but can’t figure out what pictures to take and put in the blog.

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My 20 Week Ultrasound Update…………It’s a

Surprise!

Yeah that’s what my ultrasound technician told me! Well, I could insist but at that time I was so excited and happy with the fact that the baby was healthy and doing fine I really didn’t want to bother about the sex. I do regret a little now for not insisting but I think I can wait few more weeks until I find out.

When CJ and I went inside for the ultrasound, I was worried beyond any limit. I was looking at the screen when she put the wand on my abdomen and when I saw something moving on the screen I was relieved, Okay the baby is breathing!

Then she looked into the head (brain I think) I really wanted to ask her, ‘It is not going to be a dumb baby, right?’

But I really could not gather up the courage to say that – people are not always so good at getting my humors!

Then she looked into all the internal organs, taking a lot of measurements, my eyes were looking for any slightest hint – a little pointed thing or three lines but really could not figure out anything from my position.

After like half an hour or more, she said, ‘Okay you are done now and everything looks 100% perfect!’

I was so so sooooooo happy that I became all teary.

I got up from the table and asked her, ‘So it is a girl right?’ I thought it would be a nice way to ask her about the sex.

She answered, ‘Oh I actually did not look too well there, why don’t you just let it be a surprise?’ It was obvious she didn’t want to tell us.

I smiled back and said, ‘As long as everything is fine nothing else matters.’

But when we were coming back home, CJ seemed a little annoyed. He was like – ‘who is she to decide what is going to be a surprise or not for us!’

Then CJ dear you should have asked that while we were there not now when we are driving back home 🙂

I am going upload the ultrasound picture very soon when I buy the batteries for my camera. I can’t believe it has been 9 weeks since I am planning to have some pictures in my blog but could not take any because I ran out of batteries!

Talk about lazy pregnancy hormones!

Lot’s of Family Drama!!

I had to be away from blogland longer than I actually meant to…….a lot of family dramas were going on. The drama queen was my younger sister. She just finished her teen age and she is very spoilt. She had a fight with my mom last week about something very silly and she felt nobody loves her; she is the loneliest person in the world blah blah (all the craps that I believe every children feel when they have fights with their parents).

So she decided to run away from home and never come back. My mom did not bother too much at first because my sis did give these kinds of threats earlier and came back anyway. That spoilt brat took this a lot further this time and did not come back home that night and she turned her cell phone off.  

Somehow my mom and dad figured that since I am her sister so she must have contacted me and if not then would definitely do soon! So they decided to call me every half an hour to find out about her.

I was not worrying too much about her because I figured she is with her friends and they all were as insensible as her so nobody really bothered to inform the family. But my parents were constantly calling me and that started to freak me out gradually. What if she was in trouble? Our country is not a very safe place to live in and anything is possible here.

I was so mad at her for doing this to the family. She could at least keep her cell phone on and be away from home as long she wanted to!!!

I really didn’t want to worry too much – I want this pregnancy to be stress free as much as possible. But how could I not worry?

When three days passed and not a word from her, it was time to report it to the police.

But in the local culture it is a very shameful thing if a girl is missing; the first thing people would assume is that she ran away with a man. Society here is very conservative and it actually prefers a girl dead rather than staying with a guy before marriage. I really don’t give a fuck about the society or people at times like this – all I needed to know that she was okay.

Suddenly I thought of something. I work in the largest Telecom Company in the country and it has 60% of the total market share. My sister also uses the same brand.

Since I could not take the stress anymore; I asked one of my colleagues in the Core Engineering Department (I had to tell him the truth that my sister is missing) and within minute I was given the status of her last week’s cell use and he actually was able to give me the location from where the cell was used that day. Not exact address but it was good enough for me to know where she was.

I figured she was at her best friend’s place in that area (which we have assumed earlier but when contacted this particular friend a day before, he strongly denied he knew anything about it).

To make the long story short, CJ contacted her through that friend and she was brought to my place with the promise that she didn’t have to go back to home and could stay with us as long as she wanted.

Next day the family reunion was done. My brother is still mad and not talking to her right now. The whole incident gave me one good learning other than the fact how mad I could be at her. When she was away from home; I and my brother were staying more less calm thinking she was probably fine. But my parents (especially mom) were getting sick from day one (they could not eat food or sleep) worrying about their daughter. I guess that’s what happens when you carry your baby for nine long months and no body else can feel for her the way you do.

My 20 weeks scan is next week. At this point I really don’t care much if it’s a boy or girl. All I want from God is to know that it’s a healthy baby.

When do I enjoy my Pregnancy?

I have been away from blogland for a while but it was nice catching up with the blogs. Everything seems to go well in everywhere and lots of pregnancy news!

I had my 16 weeks scan on 15 August, 2008. All is well with the baby (measuring right on track, healthy heart beat and everything). But the scan technician managed to freak me out with her comment.

While doing the u/s she told me, ‘oh by the way, make sure you drink a lot of liquid since your amniotic fluid is little less!’

I was like: WTF! What do you mean by little less? Is it dangerously less? Should I take medicine? Should I be on bed rest? Do I have a fracture in my membrane? Am I having early labor?

Then the lady decided to keep her mouth shut! Doesn’t she know these comments could just kill people like me!

I was really mad at her when I saw that in the report she did not mention anything about less Amniotic Fluid, rather she wrote, ‘Amniotic Fluid is adequate!’ Then why the hell did she bother to say things to freak me out like that?

I don’t know at what point of my pregnancy I will feel comfortable sharing the news. Still the number of people who know about it is less than 15 and includes people like my family, CJ’s family and few essential people in my office.

I had a get together with my five closest friends a couple of days ago. We used to be in the same school around 7th grade and we are still very good friends. I was prepared that if they ask me anything about my thick midsection I would tell them the news. But to utter surprise nobody even noticed. May be it is because we had dinner at a dark Italian restaurant and most of the time I was sitting.

Funny thing was that in the table one of my friends declared about the pregnancy of her sister in law and described how she was 16 weeks and nobody could even guess that she was pregnant!

I happen to have some pelvic pressure from yesterday which kind of scares me. It is not severe but there is a saying in our country that “if a cow has ever experienced fire in her farm/barn, she will be scared seeing red clouds in the sky during sun set!” So I am like that cow now, freaking at every little symptoms.

My struggle towards a Fetal Doppler (It would be nice if I did not know about it at all)!

I will definitely blame it on my excessively web browsing and reading other PG ladies blogs. I have never heard of a Fetal Doppler before I started reading some of the blogs. Okay may be I heard but I had no idea that you can have one of them at home – I always thought these are for hospitals only like the ultrasound machines.

So when I realized how everyone (PG ladies) is taking advantage of this wonder of science to put their mind at ease; I also became quite aggressive to get my hands on one.

I have checked with the US based websites and if the price of the Doppler along with Gel is 140 USD then to have it shipped to my country it will be a total of 240 USD!

Then there’s this friend of CJ who was coming from Australia for a visit so we thought may be we could ask him to get one for us so that we could avoid the shipping cost. But since we were not sure when he was coming so we actually ended up calling him on the day he was flying.

He managed to look in to few pharmacies before going to the airport but was told that in Sydney he could either get them from e-shopping or by renting directly from the manufacturer. He didn’t have time for any.

And finally I consoled myself thinking may be I don’t need it now. I am 14w5d today so may be I will be able to feel the baby soon.

So here I am worrying and wondering what’s happening inside me every minute! Well I did something on the day I was 14 week to motivate myself. I brought two new born baby dresses so that finally I start believing in the pregnancy. I actually blushed a lot when the salesman asked if they were for a boy or girl. I got one of each. They are not very cute but at least it was a big start for me.

Everything else is going fine with us by the grace of Almighty. Well except for the fact that I am having weird dreams like my sister running away with a 70 year old chauffer or my brother telling me that he is in love with a street beggar. Worst dreams include having threesome with two fat men (I think I am sex deprived for too long!). These dreams may seem quite funny when I am awake but trust me when I am seeing them it feels so real and scares the hell out of me!

Lazy Girl in Action Again – i.e. Posting Again!

I have been a bad blogger – a real bad one. I wanted this to be a journal where all our struggles to parenthood will be recorded but I am being so bad at updating.

Let’s go back to my 12 week ultrasound day. The worst thing about having u/s at random clinics is that we have to explain each time to the technician why we are doing it and that he also needs to give us details on how things are working inside my Ute.

For our 12 week u/s we went to a clinic near our house and there the technician was a young lady in her mid twenties. She wasn’t quite getting our dilemma. We told her about the previous miscarriages but she kept on asking, ‘I don’t understand what’s wrong? Why are you scared about this pregnancy?’ I said, ‘look I hope there’s nothing wrong and you just need to find out that everything’s okay’. Then she said why wouldn’t things be ok (I really think she never saw a not okay baby in anybody’s Ute).

I decided not to talk any more until she starts the u/s. But she kept on and on pressing the wand on my abdomen without saying a word. As I could not see the screen properly so I had to ask her, ‘Is it moving?’

She almost fell down from her chair and looked to me in disbelief, ‘Now why wouldn’t the baby move?’

I wish I was so naive like her! But I was happy so I just smiled. The baby measured 12w2d and heartbeat was 159 bpm on Friday, July 18. Phew and Thank you dear God!

Ultrasound Update

I had my ultrasound and my baby is fine (Thanks to God – I have become very devoted to God these days!).

The baby looks more human now and s/he waved at us few times during the u/s.

I wanted to write more about the u/s but I have just thrown up my lunch minutes ago so I guess I will take some rest now and give details in my next post.