I am Alive……………..

My Little Hero

I look back and it’s hard to believe once there was a time – I didn’t take a single breath without thinking about having a baby, there was not a single day I didn’t wake up without worrying about my life and how would I survive it if I never have a baby. I held a pillow close to my chest and wondered how it would feel to hold my baby like this. I looked at a pair of little socks and kept on thinking about the little legs that could fill it.

I can never thank God enough for what he has given me. I feel complete – my body feels relaxed – it has done its job (well you are not done yet – you need to do this one more time!)

I am finally coming out of my shell – started enjoying life, socializing and getting things organized. We are planning a very short time out in India end of this month. Its been a long time I didn’t go out of the city.

Cutest Baby

And baby makes a lot of people….

I started this blog for ranting and venting about my pregnancy losses. I was at a little loss of words when I became pregnant and was staying that way…..now that I finally had the baby it seems words are even further. It feels kind of weird to write things about a gassy and fussy baby (which happens to be mine) here. Although I am not writing or commenting much (since it is quite hard to do that in my cell phone) but I am regularly reading and following all the blogs that are on my blogroll using my cell. It’s a nice place out here and I never want to stop knowing all these wonderful people.

It’s the seventh week running and still I am shamelessly staying with my mom and dad. People do stay with their parents here but usually only for a couple of weeks. I just can’t imagine looking after the baby all by myself yet. I feel so sleepy all the time and although I feel quite guilty about it – I can’t let this opportunity go :S. Since CJ didn’t make any comments about it yet (so sweet of him!) I will just take advantage of this phase while it lasts. I am not sure whether this should get on the nerves my parents by now – but so far they seem to like taking care of him – good thing my mom does not work and is a stay at home mom.

Now about the baby – now he looks almost like a human baby. He had rashes three times already and used to look like a red monkey; I was quite uncomfortable showing him to visitors. I warned them before I showed him and they gave me a horrible look – ‘How mean you are!’ type. I felt guilty – there are many women out there dying to have babies – I also went through shit while I was preggers. Then it made me think. My pregnancy was never a pleasant one and I couldn’t enjoy it thinking all the time about miscarriage, incompetent cervix, placental abruption, cord strangulation and what not. Now I am getting myself back and I want to enjoy my baby doesn’t matter how weird it seems to people – its not that I am complaining!

So where was I – yeah the red faced baby (who almost looks human now). The first few days I was happy; I was convinced I had the nicest baby on earth. He was sleeping perfectly through the night (I somehow missed the fact that he was doing the same thing during the day – he was only two weeks then). It all started when he became one month old. No one can imagine from his day version how fussy and cranky he is at night. It’s like he is possessed. I was jokingly saying this to CJ the other day and then I looked at the baby and he gave me a creepy look (must have been the squinty eye thingy before his vision gets matured) with a mysterious smile (I must have imagined it) and I was scared as hell. The whole thing amused CJ a lot though.

The reason why I don’t want to go back home because the support I am getting here. We can actually sleep few hours at a stretch at night, watch few movies at home and go out for dinner. There are even times when the baby is sleeping peacefully with my mom and I and CJ are planning whether to raise the baby without any TV or newspaper around and tell him it’s 1830 – we could tell him that we invented electricity (like in the movie waterboy) or we can do things like this on his face…..

I can’t believe but finally I have made it!!!

Our little baby boy was born on January 19, 2009 at 8:52 pm. His weight was 8 lb 9oz at birth. Although he was brought into the world through an elective c-section on the 39w1d but I don’t regret my decision at all (especially when I look at the size of his head)!

When I went to my doctor the day before he told me that I could actually get admitted the next day and have the c-section, since he thinks waiting beyond 40 weeks is not a good idea for me. We immediately knew that we did not even want to wait until the 40^th week. We both were so scared of something going wrong since I could feel less and less movements of the baby and was quite tensed about it.

When we discussed with our parents they were not very happy with our decision but they understood our fear. In my next post I will write about my experience of the c-section. But its time for the picture of our little ‘dude’!

14 hours after birth

daddy made some spikes

Lots of hormonal things going on I guess – I feel like crying a lot and actually cried few times over not being able to properly breastfeed the baby.

Breast feeding is not as easy as it looks on TV – I am producing milk and the baby is able to suckle but the total harmonization is still pretty difficult for me.

Things are no more night and day basis – it’s more like two hour/three hour on and off shift within 24 hours.

Custom here is when a baby is born people will come to visit you and see the baby – can you imagine holding a new born with a stitch on your abdomen along with the catheter attached to your lady part (not to forget the bleeding) you have to greet people and say cheese when they take pictures. By people I mean from your neighbor to a colleague with who you hardly talk. It is also very normal in our country that the girl will stay with her parents after the baby is born for few weeks. So now that I am with my parents, they have to make arrangements for 20 peoples dinner every night. I am waiting for all these excitements to be over soon so that I can have some quality time with our little ‘dude’. 

One more week to go!

I wasn’t sick or anything. But I guess that’s what kept me from blogging. It has become a place for me to rant and vent so I usually don’t find anything to update if things are going fine (touch wood)!

During January we are going to the doctor on weekly basis. And in the last appointment my super busy doctor actually told us that he doesn’t want to wait any longer and would like to have the c-section done after 39 weeks (he will let us know the final date on our 39^th week appointment).

I was full of mixed feelings. I know there is no apparent medical reason for me to have the surgery yet. The baby is nicely head down and putting a lot of pressure on my pelvis. I don’t have high blood pressure or not diabetic and the reason that I had two early miscarriages before does not seem reason good enough to me to have the c-section.

I understand it is probably safer in countries like ours to have a c-section than a vaginal birth. I know sounds crazy but the reason is most hospitals are not well equipped to do something in case anything goes wrong during the natural birth. But still people are having natural birth here safely in most of the cases and I would really like to be one of them!

CJ is also scared about natural birth since recently two of his colleagues lost their full term babies during natural birth. One was due to cord strangulation and another due to suffocation around 42 weeks. I know these are extreme rare cases but CJ actually asked the doctor if we could have the surgery this week! I was so mad at him! Thank God the doctor refused saying let the baby get more matured as I am doing fine.

I know it’s kind of gross but during pregnancy I felt relieved comparing my lady part with the mouth of an Anaconda. As I have watched on TV, the snake is actually capable of swallowing something ten times the size of his mouth and how nicely the elastic mouth accommodates the big meal! I know my lady part was not going to do that while getting the baby out (I really wish it did) and most probably end up like something from which a big bullet just came out and it’s gonna hurt like hell. But somehow I am always scared of an incision. I heard from a lot of people that healing from c-section is very difficult and it will have permanent effect on my body like I will never be able to lift anything heavy! God knows how much truth is there because I have been so busy staying pregnant the whole time I just realize now that I did not make any plans or research for the birth!

How nice!

Cautiously waiting for the Big day!

My ultrasound went well and my boy is measuring right on track! Phew!

Doctors in our country are not too interested to let women have natural delivery. I figured that is mostly because of the following reasons: 

 

1. They do not want to take the minimum risks involved in the natural birth. If something goes wrong reputation of the whole hospital goes down.
2. Since the number of doctors compared to ladies giving birth is very inadequate so they prefer having C-Sections done on days when it is convenient for them.
3. They are definitely getting paid much higher for the C-Sections.

No matter how bad it sounds things are like this in developing countries. I would definitely like to have a natural delivery but I do not have the guts to insist if my doctor says it’s going to be a C-Section. I know there is not going to be any epidural or any other pain relief if I opt for a natural birth but I am ready to do this – what’s the point of having a major surgery like C-Section if I really don’t need one!

Anyway the only hope I have for natural birth if I go into labor naturally before my due date. They are not going to induce me or let go past the due date that’s for sure.

I wanted to write about the preparation we have taken so far for the baby. If I have to tell you the truth I haven’t done anything. New born babies do not have separate rooms for themselves here – I mean even if some one chooses to decorate one for their baby; the baby will co sleep with them for few months. We don’t have an extra room in our house – we could get our store room but I don’t want to have a separate room for him yet.

I have got one co sleeper which is under lock and key (nobody except for CJ and me knows about it). Got few clothes and random staffs like one bib, a pair of socks (those were bought after each successful ultrasounds) and I haven’t washed them yet.

I know it’s very silly to be scared when I have made this so far. I truly sincerely do not even want to think about the things that can go wrong now – but the thoughts keep coming back to me. I have still got myself living on a secluded land about the whole pregnancy thing and I don’t think I can come out of it until I hold the crying baby in my arms.

I plan to get my hospital bag packed before January 3^rd, that’s when my next appointment with the doctor is. Before that I will only buy things that are absolutely necessary for the baby. Hopefully when the baby arrives I can ask CJ to get the rest of the things for me and baby.

Trying not to be stressed over little things

I really wanted to put some pictures in this post but my ‘extra ordinary’ skills with computer and photo editing has made me not to do that since i don’t know how i can reduce the size of the pictures – they are too big. You see I am still not able to put the only award I got (The Pink Rose Award) on my side bar – I still could not figure out how to do that!

Anyway, lots of things going on in life. But most important is that I have lost two pounds in the last two weeks! Although my doctor did not seem concerned at all but I am as usual paranoid. I am going to have an ultrasound on this Saturday just for the peace of my mind. I just want to know that my baby is growing fine and he has not lost any weight!

Another thing that concerns me these days is that fetal movement has decreased a lot. I still fdo feel movements all day but these are not as intense as before. I am just tired of feeling so stressed about this whole pregnancy – I guess there were only few days when I really enjoyed my pregnancy; most of the days I am like – Oh my God, what if this or that happened to my baby!

On a lighter note, last week I came to live with my parents finally! In our culture usually during pregnancy the girls come to stay with her parents. I was fine where I was staying but my MIL was driving me crazy with her weird advices – I just had to come here away from her nonsense. I am pretty bored at my parent’s house but it does feel good to be in my room after years! Planning to be here for at least two more weeks.

Well, if you haven’t already guessed it then here it goes – Yes I live with my in laws because that is what is normal and accepted here in our part of the world!

For example, I and my husband live with our parents in law (CJ’s mom and dad). My brother and his wife live with my mom and dad. My cousins, friends, colleagues everyone do the same here. There are exceptions but only when the couple has some kind big fight with the in laws or there are any problems like space limitation or something that both the parents and the couple understand that there is no way they can possibly stay together.

It is accepted and a general idea here that the daughters shall stay with her parents until they get married (so if a girl never gets married – she stays with them forever).

Well, whatever the reason is – but I am doing okay now there since it is a big house and everybody has their own privacy. I am just glad because we don’t have to pay any rent or not make any food.

But it’s a package deal so I have to hear advices from MIL whenever she sees me. Let me share some here – I am sure you are going to like them 😉

MIL: We need to shave off the baby’s hair within seven days of his birth – otherwise some kind of ghost may bother him!

Me: Smiling and thinking inside – you insane woman no way I am touching a razor on the baby’s scalp!

MIL: Water is very good for the new born. We must give him water all the time or he will be thirsty!

Me: My doctor is going to kill me if I do that!

There’s more and I know she does not mean any harm and this is how she raised her children but please spare me from all these – it’s 21^st Century now!

Oh by the way – We are having a BOY!

We have found that out too during the time I was away from the blog!

Although my doctor did not recommend but we decided to have ultrasound every month for the peace of my mind.

We went for our 25 week ultrasound (after the 20 week one) at a different place and this time the lady doing it was really nice. After she checked everything she asked us if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. We both were like, Yes Yes!

Then she looked and looked and showed us on the screen, “See that’s his little boy part!” I felt so weird; I was so prepared to hear, “It’s a girl!” I am very happy but somehow I always thought I was having a girl. In fact I was so much into thinking that it actually took me a few days to digest that I am growing a baby boy inside me 

We have decided not to tell this to anyone; so for all the friends and relatives it still remains to be a surprise! I do want to talk about it badly sometimes, especially when people are trying to guess what I am having but so far I have managed to keep it to myself. But I had to share it here in my blog – how could a woman keep such a secret all to herself for so long! Lol…

Here winter is the official wedding season. Two of my very close friends are getting married pretty soon. We all are supposed to be wearing traditional dresses and the idea itself is exhausting me. Those of you don’t have any idea about our national dress ‘Saree’ – it’s a 6 or 7 yard one piece of cloth to be wrapped around your body in a very special way so that it should look very sexy.

Something like this but can you imagine a woman with a 30 week bump wearing it?

I think it is going to be very hectic for me with the belly so I am planning to wear another very popular traditional dress which is Salwar Kameez. I wear these things everyday to work.

One of the friend’s wedding is on Friday, but the programs actually starts from tomorrow. I will definitely post pictures of the different ceremonies. It’s high time my blog should look more colorful!

Blah Blah and Blah

I have been away because I was depressed. Very depressed.

Now if you ask me why I was depressed – I really don’t know what happened.

All I know is I was upset and feeling very low for not very apparent reasons.  

I still keep feeling weird and sad and I do not have clear idea why. One thing I know for sure that it has got nothing to do with the baby! I am more than happy that I am still pregnant and I can not wait for the baby to arrive.

In short I will note down what happened during the last months: 

Since I was always being so cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy, I was in some kind of denial all the time trying not to talk or think about it. But now I look so pregnant that there is no more running away from it, whenever I look into the mirror I experience a very weird feeling – I look so pregnant but inside my head I am still being scared and in denial. Moreover, people I don’t even I know properly ask me about the pregnancy. I know it is perfectly alright but I felt quite uncomfortable at first. But things have improved now I guess. I am getting used to the fact that I am preggy wiggy!

 

During my 12^th week, 16^th week and 20^th week scan I was told that the baby has an anterior placenta. I don’t know how much it has something to do with the baby’s movement but I really could not feel too much movement until a couple of days ago. I did feel flutters and little movements from 16 week but those were not very regular until 24 weeks.

 

My birthday – it was on the 8^th of October and I had many mixed feelings about that day. Last year I told my friends about my pregnancy on this day. We arranged a surprise for them with some riddles and finally it was disclosed. Come to think of it now technically the fetus stopped growing way before my birthday but I did not have a clue. Those memories were coming back and I could not feel too excited about my birthday.

 

November second was one year anniversary of my last loss. It was the day when I learnt that the pregnancy was over. This year being almost 27 week pregnant I thought this would not matter to me so much but it did. I cried the whole day and could not stop thinking about the baby who I never got to see.

 

My 25 week belly picture as I have promised. Got my camera fixed but can’t figure out what pictures to take and put in the blog.

My 20 Week Ultrasound Update…………It’s a

Surprise!

Yeah that’s what my ultrasound technician told me! Well, I could insist but at that time I was so excited and happy with the fact that the baby was healthy and doing fine I really didn’t want to bother about the sex. I do regret a little now for not insisting but I think I can wait few more weeks until I find out.

When CJ and I went inside for the ultrasound, I was worried beyond any limit. I was looking at the screen when she put the wand on my abdomen and when I saw something moving on the screen I was relieved, Okay the baby is breathing!

Then she looked into the head (brain I think) I really wanted to ask her, ‘It is not going to be a dumb baby, right?’

But I really could not gather up the courage to say that – people are not always so good at getting my humors!

Then she looked into all the internal organs, taking a lot of measurements, my eyes were looking for any slightest hint – a little pointed thing or three lines but really could not figure out anything from my position.

After like half an hour or more, she said, ‘Okay you are done now and everything looks 100% perfect!’

I was so so sooooooo happy that I became all teary.

I got up from the table and asked her, ‘So it is a girl right?’ I thought it would be a nice way to ask her about the sex.

She answered, ‘Oh I actually did not look too well there, why don’t you just let it be a surprise?’ It was obvious she didn’t want to tell us.

I smiled back and said, ‘As long as everything is fine nothing else matters.’

But when we were coming back home, CJ seemed a little annoyed. He was like – ‘who is she to decide what is going to be a surprise or not for us!’

Then CJ dear you should have asked that while we were there not now when we are driving back home 🙂

I am going upload the ultrasound picture very soon when I buy the batteries for my camera. I can’t believe it has been 9 weeks since I am planning to have some pictures in my blog but could not take any because I ran out of batteries!

Talk about lazy pregnancy hormones!

Lot’s of Family Drama!!

I had to be away from blogland longer than I actually meant to…….a lot of family dramas were going on. The drama queen was my younger sister. She just finished her teen age and she is very spoilt. She had a fight with my mom last week about something very silly and she felt nobody loves her; she is the loneliest person in the world blah blah (all the craps that I believe every children feel when they have fights with their parents).

So she decided to run away from home and never come back. My mom did not bother too much at first because my sis did give these kinds of threats earlier and came back anyway. That spoilt brat took this a lot further this time and did not come back home that night and she turned her cell phone off.  

Somehow my mom and dad figured that since I am her sister so she must have contacted me and if not then would definitely do soon! So they decided to call me every half an hour to find out about her.

I was not worrying too much about her because I figured she is with her friends and they all were as insensible as her so nobody really bothered to inform the family. But my parents were constantly calling me and that started to freak me out gradually. What if she was in trouble? Our country is not a very safe place to live in and anything is possible here.

I was so mad at her for doing this to the family. She could at least keep her cell phone on and be away from home as long she wanted to!!!

I really didn’t want to worry too much – I want this pregnancy to be stress free as much as possible. But how could I not worry?

When three days passed and not a word from her, it was time to report it to the police.

But in the local culture it is a very shameful thing if a girl is missing; the first thing people would assume is that she ran away with a man. Society here is very conservative and it actually prefers a girl dead rather than staying with a guy before marriage. I really don’t give a fuck about the society or people at times like this – all I needed to know that she was okay.

Suddenly I thought of something. I work in the largest Telecom Company in the country and it has 60% of the total market share. My sister also uses the same brand.

Since I could not take the stress anymore; I asked one of my colleagues in the Core Engineering Department (I had to tell him the truth that my sister is missing) and within minute I was given the status of her last week’s cell use and he actually was able to give me the location from where the cell was used that day. Not exact address but it was good enough for me to know where she was.

I figured she was at her best friend’s place in that area (which we have assumed earlier but when contacted this particular friend a day before, he strongly denied he knew anything about it).

To make the long story short, CJ contacted her through that friend and she was brought to my place with the promise that she didn’t have to go back to home and could stay with us as long as she wanted.

Next day the family reunion was done. My brother is still mad and not talking to her right now. The whole incident gave me one good learning other than the fact how mad I could be at her. When she was away from home; I and my brother were staying more less calm thinking she was probably fine. But my parents (especially mom) were getting sick from day one (they could not eat food or sleep) worrying about their daughter. I guess that’s what happens when you carry your baby for nine long months and no body else can feel for her the way you do.

My 20 weeks scan is next week. At this point I really don’t care much if it’s a boy or girl. All I want from God is to know that it’s a healthy baby.